I’ve been getting a lot of hits about intercultural marriage lately.

What is it that you want to know? It’s hard to do. I’ll tell you that much.

Sometimes a person doesn’t even know they’re getting into an intercultural marriage, since both might be the same race, income, and education level. But families can be very different.

But if you know you’re going to be married to someone not of your culture, there are a few things to think about. First of all, don’t do it just because it seems like it would be cool. It looks cool from the outside, but that wow factor quickly gets old. I don’t hear my husband’s accent anymore, therefore it is no longer exotic to me. But the differences are still something we stumble upon. And they can be harder to overcome than the typical marriage.

A successful intercultural marriage IS cool, but not because of what it looks like from the outside. It’s because of how much work it took to overcome the obstacles to communicate and understand each other well.

The experience of the marriage will probably be different for both. One spouse will live in the country of origin and the other will be a stranger in a strange land. It’s important for the spouse who is at home in the land to support the out of place spouse. Don’t make fun of or put down any lack of understanding about the culture. Try to learn some or all of your spouse’s native language. Bring the positive parts of the culture into your home if possible.

Food: In general, in any kind of family life, sharing a meal is an important bonding time. There are going to be dishes your spouse loves that you hate.  It is important to try to establish your palate for things your spouse likes. You won’t be able to do this for everything, but when you can’t it doesn’t mean their food is bad. Don’t put down their food or them because they like it. It may be one of the few things of their culture that they can experience in the new land. Find dishes that are good for everyone to eat at the table, and then situations where both can have the food you like which the spouse hates. A good way to do this is to go to restaurants occasionally, or eat the meal you want at a mealtime where you aren’t sitting down together such as lunch. 

Language: Support for the non-native language spouse will vary depending on how fluent they are in the new language. Sometimes they’ll never become fluent enough to get certain things done like important paperwork such as taxes, insurance, etc. (Of course, that can be hard for the native speaker!) Getting married to an immigrant probably means you’ll have to take on those kinds of tasks. But it is very important that your spouse becomes fluent enough in the new language to feel comfortable and make friends outside of your home. Help them come into social and safe situations where they can only communicate using the language of the new land. I’ve found this is especially troublesome for the stay at home mother who is in a new country. I’ve seen old women who’ve lived for decades who never learned the language. They are confined to a very limited social circle, though often these women are also married to men of their culture. But if you’re fluent in your spouse’s native language and they work at home, then it is very important you help them get out and have opportunities where they’re required to speak the new language.

But it is also important to establish a circle of friends who are native the country of your spouse’s origin. Depression is common among immigrants, especially in their first few years, and is a stage of culture shock. Finding as much social support as possible is very good, since these friends have all been there and done that. Very often among this group there will be other intercultural marriages, and friends like that can be good for both of you since they’re familiar with the particular differences you have to work with.

Story: Try to read literature and/or watch TV and movies from their land. Not only will it expand your horizons and help you understand their culture, but it will expand the cultural experience that you both share. I must admit, though, I couldn’t watch my husband’s favorite TV serial from Russia about the Russian mob. But that wasn’t because it was Russian, it was because I don’t like crime gang shows or action movies much. That’s going to happen, but again it isn’t because their stuff is bad.

The most important thing is to follow that golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Try to put yourself in the place of your spouse and then act towards them the way you would want someone to help you.

J. Smith

That’s the name of the file. Male or female?

In English, we would be unable to tell. But in Russian, last names differ by gender.

It’s very simple, really. The last name of a female has an “a” added onto it.

Anton Chekov was married to Olga Chekova.

Boris and Arkady Strugatskys’ mother’s last name would have been Strugatskya.

One particular confusing bit for some English speakers acquainted with my family is my mother in law’s last name. Because she came over as a single woman, they used her last name as it was, with the ‘a’ at the end. Not only that, but the conversion from the Cyrillic to the Latin alphabet changed in the 16 years my husband had been here. When he came, French was the languaged used for conversion. When she came, English was. This has caused the spellings to be different. In essence, she has a different last name than her son in this country.

So, if you ever meet someone from Russia and hear them called 10 different names, now you’ll know.

The short answer to that question is: the father’s name. Vladimir was a bit suprised when I introduced my dad. He had assumed that my dad’s name would at least bear some resemblence to my middle name, but the two were completely unrelated.

Russians always have a patronymic for the middle name. For boys, an ending of ‘ovich’ is added to mean, basically, son of whoever. For girls, this is usually ‘ovna’.

Let’s put this into real life. Let us say, for instance, we have a father named Boris. He has a son and daughter named Konstantin and Anastasia, respectively. They would be called Konstantin Borisovich and Anastasia Borisovna.

People would actually call them this. Adding the middle name is another way of making it friendlier, but with a slightly more formal flair. OR, it is a way to express your disapproval. Chances are, if you are a Russian boy whose mom is calling you by both your first and middle names, you are in big, big trouble.

Another interesting occurance is that Russians will also readily call a friend by their middle name only. I’ve even heard my husband call his mother by her middle name.

So many different ways of naming someone can confuse an American, but when you get used to it, you find there can be a great deal of communication just by the name you call a person. It makes Russian, in many ways, more capable of subtlety than English.

Next: The last name. Not too difficult, but still not quite as straightforward as English.

I run.

My husband plays ping pong.

Now, lest you think this is mamsy-pamsy way to exercise, let me inform you that a number of his opponents are Chinese. These men set the bar for the game at Vlad’s office, so that even if he isn’t playing against someone Chinese, the play is pretty intense. 

So he was playing with a good friend of his, we’ll call him Buff Blond Geek, because cute anonymous nick names are the trend in blogging.  At least, we think he is a friend. BBG (another vital blogging technique: using only initials of CANNs). Anyway, BBG was serving and hit the ball the Vladimir hard, fast, and directly into Vlad’s eye.

From all accounts, my husband was thrown backwards into the wall by the incredible force of the blow.  Life flashed before his eyes, well… there were bright flashes, at least.  He worried that he might get a black eye, but being the plucky macho guy he is, he laughed along with BBG.

A coworker came in and wondered what was so funny. Recounting the event in florid detail was not enough, so BBG decided to demonstrate just how fantastic his serve had been.

All the way down to hitting Vladimir right in the other eye.