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On the abuse of women in general, response to someone named Tom

I got a surprising response from a post of mine from 2007.

Here is the post: The Abuse of Russian Women

The links were broken, I added a couple of new ones.

This is the comment.

 I personally think your husband’s mother is the lowest type of human being. She picked her husband. She should stay with him. You husband probably has a female personality now. I have been on the net for 10 years now. It looks like the best way to live with a Russian lady is the same as an Asian lady. You just do not say anything. One Russian lady is blonde in one picture, red head in another, and brown hair in another. I ask her her real color. She throws a temper tantrum. This appears to be a typical Russian lady. All the abusive words come out. Russian woman are on the average bad news. They are like women from a ghetto. The only difference is they are Caucasian.

Maybe it’s a troll, but who cares. There are people like this in the world, so it’s worth replying to.

Emotional response: I’m shocked all the way down to my toes. Not too angry though. Just sad.

Analytic (but probably still emotional) response: So, first, our friend claims that a woman should stay with a man she married even if he is abusive because she chose him.

In the particular circumstances I talked about, and I suppose in majority of abusive circumstances, the man my MIL married wasn’t abusive when she married him. She didn’t choose abuse. Things got a little tough, he turned to drink, and was an angry drunk. There might have been little signals. But a woman – especially a relatively inexperienced young woman – doesn’t have a manual telling her what to look for to avoid an abusive mate.

If a man abuses a woman or their children (and this man was abusive to his children) he forfeits his right to be married to that woman. He is unworthy. He has proven to be someone who controls the people around him through violence. God does not require us to tolerate that kind of situation.

But lets assume a woman who marries a man she knows is abusive. She’s been emotionally manipulated. She thinks, perhaps, either that marriage will change him or that she is worthy of nothing else. Both of those are wrong. But at the time, she doesn’t know that. If by some miracle she learns that the abuse is not her fault, and that she doesn’t have to tolerate it – then she absolutely has the right to leave even if she chose the situation in the first place.

You see, we all make mistakes. Sometimes our decisions that we make because of lack of experience, or because of bad experiences before, are bad for us. Very bad for us. Repentance means we can leave the baggage behind. If someone was on drugs, and did the work to get off them, should they be forced to keep doing drugs because they chose it once upon a time? Of course not. If someone made the mistake of marrying an abusive person, should they be forced to continue to endure the violence of that person? Of course not!

Then, Tom puts down all Russian women and assumes (I’m not sure how, based on my original text) that my MIL is just like them because she refused to stay with an abusive man. He puts Asian women in the same boat. How is Tom meeting all these international women? It makes me wonder what his motivations are? Perhaps he is the abuser, the controller who requires a completely submissive wife and when he can’t find her in Russia or Asia, where he thought he might, he calls them trash.

This, women, is a man to avoid.

Let’s pound a few extra nails in the coffin.

Oh my!

My DH, without the handlebar mustache.

My mother in law probably raised my husband so that he has a female personality now?

Excuse me while I die laughing. Except that it’s completely offensive to every single mother and every child raised by their single mothers. To every mother who left a bad man because she wanted a better life for a child. Really, is an abusive man supposed to teach a boy how to be a man?

My husband is his father’s son. Prone to being very stressed and anxiety. Except he doesn’t drink, and he controls himself. Thanks in part to his mother showing him that such behavior was intolerable. He is the son of his culture. I’ve never seen him cry. He is not very ‘sensitive’ and finds it very difficult to step outside of traditional gender roles. It can be frustrating at times.

And yet, even with the flaw of not doing the laundry or the dishes, my husband is the man who encourages me to write, to learn, to be more. He wants me to be fulfilled. He doesn’t ask that I go make money even though that would help relieve some of his stress, that’s his job and he is supporting me as I raise good but challenging children, as I write and create, and volunteer. He is deeply concerned that his daughters do the same thing – find their passion in life and excel. Go to school. Work hard. Be good to other people. Be honest. Love God and love others. Always try to become better than what you are.

Also, he’s a fantastic cook.

If that’s female, then bring it on and a little more. I could have used some help changing diapers.

I suppose I’ve rambled in my venting. And I’ve missed a few of the things. But here is the point, Tom. If your words are sincere, you sadly do not know what it means to be a good man who provides a true sanctuary for a good woman so that together, you can grow children into good people. We are all flawed in different ways, and when we come together as husband and wife, it’s up to us to accept them as well as help each other excel and grow better.  But we are not required to accept the flaw of violence – either physical or emotional.

If you want to find a good woman, become a good man.

2 comments

  1. It deeply saddens me that even in this day and age women are still treated horribly. I am so thankful that I was born here in the US where it is much better than Russia.

  2. These two posts (I read the original Tom replied to) struck me in an unusual way. I don’t know which saddens me more- the depressing state of Russian women or the void of compassion and connection to others shown by Tom (but he is unfortunately far from alone in his attitudes). Abuse is caused by such self centered thoughts as those written by Tom. Ami, I admire the way you have analyzed this unfortunate situation without an ounce of bitterness.

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